From Broken Sadness to Empowered Leader

2019 was such a challenging year for me emotionally… 

I had so many moments of deep deep sadness, that would show up out of no where, to the point that there were times I wondered if I was experiencing a deeper level of depression than I ever had before. 

It was debilitating at times. 

Leaving me curled up in a ball on the floor in the middle of the day. 

I was working with my coach for the entire year, and I remember so many moments of wanting desperately to put this sadness on her, to blame her for not making it better, for not making me better. I wanted to deflect the pain, I wanted to push it onto someone or something else. I wanted it to not be my truth. I wanted to not feel it anymore. 

I wondered how I could feel so sad, when the reality of my life was so beautiful. I had a flourishing business that I ran the way I wanted to, I married the man I love deeply on my own 3.5 acres, I hosted my first major event that went without any major catastrophes, I travelled to Ottawa, Toronto, Victoria, Calgary, Vancouver, Kelowna, Revelstoke, the Kootenays and more, I spoke on a multitude of stages sharing my message and truth, I even danced on two of those stages ~ something I had never done before… my life was growing in all the ways I had desired it to.

But the honesty of my sadness was too strong to ignore.

I’ve been reflecting on this now, as it feels this season of my life has passed. This sadness is less often and I feel more emotionally stable. 

When I ask myself, “What was that?”, I realize it was a big part of my own awakening. I was in my Awakening Crossroads.

From years of being bullied in elementary school, to decades of feeling like I don’t fit in with my family, to not processing the grief I experienced at a young age, to constant worrying about whether or not I was living up to my potential, to experiencing spirituality and worrying about how far we as a global society all have to go still…I was in constant emotional turmoil from within. 

I had spent the majority of my life trying to figure out my place or my purpose or my role or my value in this world. 

And in this past year, I chose to let that go. 

I chose to be guided from within. 

I chose to surrender as much as I could. 

I chose to live guided by intuition. 

I chose to show up fully to whatever life was offering me. 

And within that, came the sadness. 

I had so much built up sadness within me, it has to be processed. 

I can feel energy so deeply for others, for animals, for the world…this emotion had to go somewhere. 

I was allowing myself to be the conduit for this healing of past trauma and pain and sadness. 

And, please know I speak honest truth when I say, it wasn’t easy.

It was hard. 
It was confusing.
It was frustrating.
It was annoying. 

And it felt like I had a secret I couldn’t share with the world. Like I had to keep it to myself. 

(I realize now that’s just my self-sabotage mechanism; I choose solitude over connection when I’m sad to perpetuate the length of the emotion…fun right?) 

But ultimately, it has brought me so much CLARITY. 

I KNOW the level of support that is available to me through my incredible husband, who honours and loves and holds me through everything. Regardless of what it looks like or how constant it may be. 

I KNOW the level of support I can welcome into my life through hired coaches and group work and fellow entrepreneurs and my family, holding me in my sadness and honouring me in my leadership. 

I KNOW the level of support I can receive from my community even when in the depths of sadness ~ 2019 was my highest financial year to date in DDC, and that is a pure testimony to the support YOU offer to me! 

I KNOW the type of leader/boss/coach/friend/woman I desire to be in this world ~ one who puts the greatest good of ALL first! Always. Always. Always. It is all for all of us! 

And so I offer these words to you in the hopes that you too can see that life comes to us in seasons. Some are full of joy and freedom and fun and laughter. And some are full of pain and trauma and hurt and tears. And some are filled with both.